10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 17-18

Look, I missed a week or two of posts.. But read my last entry and you’ll see why. I’ve just been busy! And don’t you want me to be busy? So I’m not just your loser friend who moved to Nashville and binge watches reality TV while drinking champagne? Okay fine, I do that too. Now without further adieu:

  1. I went to temple on Yom Kippur (there ARE jews here) and the temple is called The Temple. Because what would you confuse it with? Another temple? Nope.
  2. I just found out that Sheryl Crow bought a CHURCH on EBAY and had it shipped to her Nashville house. When I say house, I think it’s more like kingdom of barns and architectural digest mansion – but I haven’t been, so let’s just call it a house. Still, she bought a church on ebay. And paid for shipping. Even Kanye West hasn’t done that. 
  3. Speaking of churches, I’ve discovered two types of Sunday traffic patterns: Utterly deserted and flying around town like you own the city, and DEAD STOPPED because church just let out. Avoid the latter.
  4. Pretty much everyone I have become friends with in Nashville is married to a Jeffrey or a Jermey. I have no idea who is who so as their name is coming out of my mouth its a 50% chance I’m getting it wrong.
  5. I went to brunch at Josephine, a restaurant in 12 South. I ordered the J’breakfast. The waitress was relatively mortified and told me it was the “J Breakfast” and not to be an uppity french asshole. My bad! Also, missed opportunity Josephine… J’breakfast is tres chic.
  6. I was told “you can’t swing a dead cat” is a southern expression… Well let me say for the record, it’s a GROSS one. But fine, I looked it up, because that’s what I do.. And the etymology is from the Mark Twain book Innocents Abroad. The book is about being abroad. Not in the South. But do we take credit for all things Mark Twain? Like how we take credit for all things Taylor Swift? What the hell, add it to the list.
  7. Taylor Swift, her holiness, came to town and IT WAS THE MOST FUN NIGHT EVER. Like, ever. I went on Friday and saw her perform with Steven Tyler and thought it was the best. Then John shot the second night and Mick Jagger came out. So number 1, a night of marital difficulty. Number 2, I want to kill myself just thinking about it. Here’s one of John’s show-offy-look-how-great-life-is pics. 
  8. Don’t hate me but gas is $1.95… It just keeps on dropping!!! Like will it be free one day? I DON’T KNOW!!!!
  9. A couple of days ago it was really windy and there was some pollen fluttering around the house. Stella thought it was snow. This might not go well in the winter!
  10. You can ship lox and bagels from New York. I know this because I just organized someone’s house where he had a file of lox and bagel receipts. #goals 

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 15

  1. Apparently tea cozies are different than beer koozies. Why would someone give a slightly different name to something that’s so similar? One’s to keep it warm, and one’s to keep it cold? Did they intend on making me look stupid in front of my southern counterparts? Did they WANT me to look like a Californian tea drinker? Whatever. So rude.
  2. Y’all. There are snakes out here. I really can’t talk about it or I will be on the first plane to wherever there are no snakes.. But my neighbors have indeed informed me that they exist. And don’t tell me that they aren’t poisonous BECAUSE I DON’T CARE. They still make me want to light myself on fire. I also purchased $150 of various snake repellents on Amazon that may or may not do a single thing.
  3. There is a historical place here called The Hermitage. It was home to president Andrew Jackson and it’s pronounced like Hermitedge. In one quickly spoken word. So just a quick heads up if you come here from LA, do NOT pronounce it like L’Hermitage (L’Air-mi-taj) or you will sound like a real asshole. 
  4. My friend just got a gel manicure and gel pedicure for $110 WTF LOL.
  5. BUT gas is now $2.05.
  6. There is a state or county fair every week. I can’t even keep up. I feel like there are even state fairs for OTHER states.
  7. John finally gave in and had to register his car in TN – but the upside is they have the greatest license plate options EVER. You just flip through a book, pick which one you want, and they pull it out of a drawer. Kind of like getting an ice cream cake at Baskin Robins.
  8. I found an AMAAAAAZING store in Cool Springs, and Cool Springs is the least cool place of all time. It’s 15 minutes away from our house and as close to White’s Mercantile as you can get outside of Nashville proper. Separate post coming soon.
  9. My neighbors drive around with boxed wine and red cups in their car because YOU NEVER KNOW. 
  10. I’ve been told I’ll need Uggs. 

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 8

1. Not all storms are tornados. Not all sirens are tornado sirens. And if I don’t get that into my head I will continue to look like a crazy person every time it’s windy and there’s an ambulance in the distance.

2. Jack Daniels is made in a DRY county in Tennessee. You can literally go visit the plant and do nothing but sniff the whiskey. No tastes, no sips, no drinking. Someone needs to explain they are making less money this way.

3. Hayden Panettiere is my favorite country artist. Her character, Juliette Barnes, has catchy songs and Nashville is a catchy show. WHAT OF IT! I’m not ashamed.

4. Speaking of the show Nashville, Rayna James’ house in Belle Meade is for sale, and is 20 million dollars. So basically I never left LA.

5. The Band Perry is actually the real full name of the band. Not a band thats called “Perry” like I thought for the last 2 months.

6. There is EVEN live music at Whole Foods. Like no one here even bothers with an iPod because they can surely get a full band to play at any given time.

7. Trader Joe has a less successful, and less well known brother named Aldi. Okay their names are not Joe or Aldi, but they ARE brothers and they had some stupid feud over like, whether to stock cereal bars and went their separate ways. So one started Trader Joes, and one started Aldi. POOR ALDI, am I right? They carry almost identical products and Aldi is actually cheaper since they basically make you do everything yourself and don’t believe in customer service or bags, or even free grocery carts. There are lessons to be learned here, I’m sure of it.

8. In related news, the black widow has a creepy cousin named the brown recluse. It basically just lurks in your shoes and furniture waiting to ruin your life.

9. Why is my manicure more expensive here than in LA? This is an actual question – not just a discovery. Why.

10. Dolly Parton lives just up the road from me and I drive by her house (compound?) on the way to the park. So let me say this for emphasis, DOLLY PARTON IS MY NEIGHBOR, Y’ALL!