10 NEW THINGS: FEBRUARY

First of all, I know it’s been a whillllllllle since I posted, but I’ve been really busy being SICK AS F*CK since New Year’s Day. So happy 20 effing 16.

  1. I guess if you live outside of Los Angeles you get sick all the time. And stay sick. Because it’s an actual winter and when they came up with the term “cold” they were not being ironic.
  2. Remember when it would drop to like 48 degrees in LA in the DEAD of winter at 3am and we just could not believe how devastatingly cold it was? HAHAHAHAHA. It’s 19 degrees right now. IMG_8632
  3. 4 wheel drive is actually a real thing that you need. Who knew?
  4. I like country music. Didn’t see this coming. IMG_9444
  5. I used to hate award season because John would be gone ALL day on show days. Now he has to fly to LA and he’s gone for days at a time and I’m like remind me again why we moved across the county?
  6. We now have a proper bagel establishment, appropriately titled Proper Bagel. I love EVERYTHING about this place and the most die-hard New Yorker would too. The lox is flown in from Brooklyn and they filter the water the same way, and they force you to wait in line and order specifically according to the menu just like a true New York establishment. True love.
  7. Gwyneth Paltrow came to town and I – along with everyone in Nashville – rushed to the Antique and Garden show to see her speak. And all of a sudden I was like, CLEA GET A GRIP YOU ARE FROM LA. I need to shake it off. IMG_9539
  8. When we first thought about moving to Nashville, we thought we’d live in the suburb of Brentwood because the schools are best in the state, the taxes are low, and the houses are huge. After 8 months we’ve already sold our house, for a smaller house, right in town, where taxes are twice as much, the schools are 5 times as shitty, and the crime is twice as high. Ah… home sweet home. #privateschoolforever
  9. John eats shit tacos from every gross stand in town and he got food poisoning from the green juice at Whole Foods. Not sure this is a southern thing – but still so funny to me.
  10. When it snows, schools close. When they think it’s going to snow, schools close. When it snowed 3 effing days ago but it’s mildly cold and maybe some shaded over spots have remnants of snow, schools close.

NEW YEAR, NEW ME. ACTUALLY THE OLD ME IS FINE THANKS.

It’s 2016 so naturally I need to make some resolutions. The first couple are easy:

  1. Drink at LEAST as many glasses of water per day as glasses of wine.
  2. Cook more. Okay fine, cook at all.

But the main thing I’d like to accomplish this year is to cut myself some slack. Sometimes I let my family, my over-achiever friends, that skinny mom at school drop off who ALREADY went to pilates, get the best of me. And honestly, I’m sick of feeling like I have to defend the way I am. I’m not a fun mom, I’m not a mom who does crafts, I’m not a mom who bakes, and I’m really really not sorry. I’m a busy mom, and a working mom, and well-dressed mom (my kids will thank me later for that one), and I think that’s perfectly fine.

You know what else? John does all of the above better than I do. He will even play dolls. WHAT IS WORSE THAN PLAYING DOLLS. Nothing. But he will do it and I won’t. Mommy enjoys more task driven games… like cleaning. And organizing bookshelves. But I’M fine with that. And if my kids aren’t, well there’s nothing a Disney movie can’t fix, amirite?

So for 2016, I’m vowing to not give a shit. I’m okay being me. Cheers, y’all.

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10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: NOVEMBER

  1. It’s impossible to get good Sushi here. Someone actually recommended I try Peter’s Sushi. UM there is no chance anyone named PETER is making good sushi.
  2. Chattanooga is not in Nashville. In fact, I hear it’s pretty far away.
  3. The CMA awards happen like 15 times a year, I’m positive. Anytime I ask John what he’s shooting, I’m pretty sure he says the CMA awards.
  4. All kids are supposed to address adults using Ms or Mr – so like Ms Clea and Mr John. Do my kids really have to do this? I think they have to say ma’am and sir as well. I cannot underscore how unlikely this is..
  5. There is such a thing as a “construction fire.” It’s when construction workers build a LARGE fire at 5am when they start working because it’s freezing out and inadvertantly terrify Californians who think the neighborhood is on fire and calls 911.  
  6. There is a place called London, Kentucky and some people will tell you they just got back from London AS THOUGH THERE IS NO OTHER SUPER FAMOUS CITY NAMED LONDON.
  7. November is apparently when ladybugs invade Nashville. I don’t mean that you might see a few – I mean they are everrrrrrywhere. Like two on your arm at any given time, in the car, on the walls. Oh and they are Japanese ladybugs which bite. The bug situation here is NOT okay. Even our ladybugs bite?! We can’t even catch a ladybug break?
  8. Restaurants are closed on the most random and irritating days. Who closes on a Tuesday? What is even the point of that? And why do they think I’ll be able to store that information in my head when I show up expecting to eat dinner?
  9. Related: My favorite restaurant – which is closed on Tuesdays – will not let you order food “to go” to take home to anyone. You have to order the meal, let it come to the table, and then request a box and slide the food into it……… Maybe get over yourself.
  10. Fall is so pretty. Just be careful not to accidentally tag an Instagram picture of pretty Tennessee hills with the incorrect area or face the wrath of the internet. I got about 1000 comments in shouty caps.  

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 17-18

Look, I missed a week or two of posts.. But read my last entry and you’ll see why. I’ve just been busy! And don’t you want me to be busy? So I’m not just your loser friend who moved to Nashville and binge watches reality TV while drinking champagne? Okay fine, I do that too. Now without further adieu:

  1. I went to temple on Yom Kippur (there ARE jews here) and the temple is called The Temple. Because what would you confuse it with? Another temple? Nope.
  2. I just found out that Sheryl Crow bought a CHURCH on EBAY and had it shipped to her Nashville house. When I say house, I think it’s more like kingdom of barns and architectural digest mansion – but I haven’t been, so let’s just call it a house. Still, she bought a church on ebay. And paid for shipping. Even Kanye West hasn’t done that. 
  3. Speaking of churches, I’ve discovered two types of Sunday traffic patterns: Utterly deserted and flying around town like you own the city, and DEAD STOPPED because church just let out. Avoid the latter.
  4. Pretty much everyone I have become friends with in Nashville is married to a Jeffrey or a Jermey. I have no idea who is who so as their name is coming out of my mouth its a 50% chance I’m getting it wrong.
  5. I went to brunch at Josephine, a restaurant in 12 South. I ordered the J’breakfast. The waitress was relatively mortified and told me it was the “J Breakfast” and not to be an uppity french asshole. My bad! Also, missed opportunity Josephine… J’breakfast is tres chic.
  6. I was told “you can’t swing a dead cat” is a southern expression… Well let me say for the record, it’s a GROSS one. But fine, I looked it up, because that’s what I do.. And the etymology is from the Mark Twain book Innocents Abroad. The book is about being abroad. Not in the South. But do we take credit for all things Mark Twain? Like how we take credit for all things Taylor Swift? What the hell, add it to the list.
  7. Taylor Swift, her holiness, came to town and IT WAS THE MOST FUN NIGHT EVER. Like, ever. I went on Friday and saw her perform with Steven Tyler and thought it was the best. Then John shot the second night and Mick Jagger came out. So number 1, a night of marital difficulty. Number 2, I want to kill myself just thinking about it. Here’s one of John’s show-offy-look-how-great-life-is pics. 
  8. Don’t hate me but gas is $1.95… It just keeps on dropping!!! Like will it be free one day? I DON’T KNOW!!!!
  9. A couple of days ago it was really windy and there was some pollen fluttering around the house. Stella thought it was snow. This might not go well in the winter!
  10. You can ship lox and bagels from New York. I know this because I just organized someone’s house where he had a file of lox and bagel receipts. #goals 

SO BUSY, Y’ALL.

Sometimes I can’t believe a single person reads my ramblings on my rambling blog. But it turns out, when I got really busy, and didn’t have time to post about my humdrum southern life, people actually noticed! Again, shocking. Maybe you all don’t realize there are interesting things to read by interesting people.. but whatever, I’ll take it.

At least I’ve been busy for a good reason, right? Last month, I co-founded a home organizing company called The Home Edit. I did not expect to be this busy this quickly, kind of like I didn’t expect anyone to read anything I wrote. But I sure am grateful for both.

Here are some pics of what I’ve been working on. I mean…. What could possible say I’m Southern Now more than organizing someone’s koozie collection?


See you soon, y’all.

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 15

  1. Apparently tea cozies are different than beer koozies. Why would someone give a slightly different name to something that’s so similar? One’s to keep it warm, and one’s to keep it cold? Did they intend on making me look stupid in front of my southern counterparts? Did they WANT me to look like a Californian tea drinker? Whatever. So rude.
  2. Y’all. There are snakes out here. I really can’t talk about it or I will be on the first plane to wherever there are no snakes.. But my neighbors have indeed informed me that they exist. And don’t tell me that they aren’t poisonous BECAUSE I DON’T CARE. They still make me want to light myself on fire. I also purchased $150 of various snake repellents on Amazon that may or may not do a single thing.
  3. There is a historical place here called The Hermitage. It was home to president Andrew Jackson and it’s pronounced like Hermitedge. In one quickly spoken word. So just a quick heads up if you come here from LA, do NOT pronounce it like L’Hermitage (L’Air-mi-taj) or you will sound like a real asshole. 
  4. My friend just got a gel manicure and gel pedicure for $110 WTF LOL.
  5. BUT gas is now $2.05.
  6. There is a state or county fair every week. I can’t even keep up. I feel like there are even state fairs for OTHER states.
  7. John finally gave in and had to register his car in TN – but the upside is they have the greatest license plate options EVER. You just flip through a book, pick which one you want, and they pull it out of a drawer. Kind of like getting an ice cream cake at Baskin Robins.
  8. I found an AMAAAAAZING store in Cool Springs, and Cool Springs is the least cool place of all time. It’s 15 minutes away from our house and as close to White’s Mercantile as you can get outside of Nashville proper. Separate post coming soon.
  9. My neighbors drive around with boxed wine and red cups in their car because YOU NEVER KNOW. 
  10. I’ve been told I’ll need Uggs. 

WANT TO BE FRIENDS?

Chances are, if you lived in a city for most of your life – you don’t need to make friends. You know everyone. Or at least the people you feel like you need to know. Well, isn’t that great. Congratulations. Now try moving to a NEW city at 33 years old, 1700 miles away from everyone you know, where you have to figure out how to not be a total loser.

When we moved to Nashville, I had so many people tell me that making friends would be EASY since everyone in the south is so nice. Well… they were half right: People here are great, but making friends is hard work. For starters, I have to be shamelessly shameless. Like, if you walk by me wearing Isabel Marant, I’m just going to assume we’ll like each other and probably give you my number. That’s slightly over-stating… but if you’re wearing Isabel Marant in an Instagram pic, I will TOTALLY GIVE YOU MY EMAIL. My criteria for hitting on new friends is basically the following:

  1. Are you a woman or gay man?
  2. Do you live anywhere remotely near Nashville?
  3. Are you available? Let’s hang.

I’ve honestly had to make a bigger effort in the last 3 months, than I’ve made in the last 30 years. If I’m tired (always), un-showered (sorry, don’t make morning plans with me), or don’t feel like a drink (haha jk) – I still have to get off my butt and make an effort. The good news however, is that my hard work is paying off. I’ve met so many cool people, who for some reason, have taken pity on my pathetic state. And lately, the only time I feel like a giant loser is when I mentally count the amount of new friends I’ve made while I’m driving in the car. (I hope my new cool friends don’t read this… nothing to see here, guys).

This is all new territory for me.. literally and figuratively. But you know how the saying goes: If you can make it in New York, you can make it in Nashville. Is that not how the saying goes? Well for the sake of conversation, let’s just agree on the logic. I TOTALLY GOT THIS!