First of all, I know it’s been a whillllllllle since I posted, but I’ve been really busy being SICK AS F*CK since New Year’s Day. So happy 20 effing 16.
- I guess if you live outside of Los Angeles you get sick all the time. And stay sick. Because it’s an actual winter and when they came up with the term “cold” they were not being ironic.
- Remember when it would drop to like 48 degrees in LA in the DEAD of winter at 3am and we just could not believe how devastatingly cold it was? HAHAHAHAHA. It’s 19 degrees right now.
- 4 wheel drive is actually a real thing that you need. Who knew?
- I like country music. Didn’t see this coming.
- I used to hate award season because John would be gone ALL day on show days. Now he has to fly to LA and he’s gone for days at a time and I’m like remind me again why we moved across the county?
- We now have a proper bagel establishment, appropriately titled Proper Bagel. I love EVERYTHING about this place and the most die-hard New Yorker would too. The lox is flown in from Brooklyn and they filter the water the same way, and they force you to wait in line and order specifically according to the menu just like a true New York establishment. True love.
- Gwyneth Paltrow came to town and I – along with everyone in Nashville – rushed to the Antique and Garden show to see her speak. And all of a sudden I was like, CLEA GET A GRIP YOU ARE FROM LA. I need to shake it off.
- When we first thought about moving to Nashville, we thought we’d live in the suburb of Brentwood because the schools are best in the state, the taxes are low, and the houses are huge. After 8 months we’ve already sold our house, for a smaller house, right in town, where taxes are twice as much, the schools are 5 times as shitty, and the crime is twice as high. Ah… home sweet home. #privateschoolforever
- John eats shit tacos from every gross stand in town and he got food poisoning from the green juice at Whole Foods. Not sure this is a southern thing – but still so funny to me.
- When it snows, schools close. When they think it’s going to snow, schools close. When it snowed 3 effing days ago but it’s mildly cold and maybe some shaded over spots have remnants of snow, schools close.
Since we spent last week in the hospital with Stella, I thought I’d devote a mini-post to some new things I discovered while staying at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital.
- There is no wine in the entire hospital which seems like a real missed opportunity.
- Hospital parking IS FREE. Do you know how much I used to pay at Cedars Sinai? Like $42 an hour.
- The guest bed situation in the hospital room is an absolute travesty. Like a legit prison cot from Orange is the New Black. I had to go buy all new linens and a mattress topper just to survive the second night. John opted for judgey martyrdom instead of soft blankets, but that’s cool, I had the last comfortable laugh. Sad prison cot pictured below.
- Apparently glitter nail polish can’t be worn during an MRI because it’s metallic. Stella was pretty calm and collected the entire time we were there, but once we tried taking off her nail polish, SHIT HIT THE FAN.
- In our discharge papers, we had to promise not to let Stella drive tractors. Not exaggerating even a little.
Thank you all for your concern and good wishes the past couple of weeks. Stella is so brave… Her parents are not. On the way to the ER, she spent the ambulence ride discussing her rings with the paramedics. I spent the ride gripping my seat and trying to not throw up.
Stella lasted three days hooked up to an EEG with a million wires on her head and body. She looked a little like a human iPhone being charged, but we decided her head wrap was very Grey Gardens. We’re headed back to Vanderbilt in a couple of months to do some further testing in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit. Another (less funny) thing i’ve recently learned is that it’s very difficult to diagnose a seizure unless the event is captured under proper surveillance. So we will be checking in for a full week in hopes we get some answers. The good news is that she’s totally fine in the meantime, and received 32 Elsa dolls and a unicorn for her good behavior.
Thanks for the support. We love all y’all. That’s southern for “many people.”
Look, I missed a week or two of posts.. But read my last entry and you’ll see why. I’ve just been busy! And don’t you want me to be busy? So I’m not just your loser friend who moved to Nashville and binge watches reality TV while drinking champagne? Okay fine, I do that too. Now without further adieu:
- I went to temple on Yom Kippur (there ARE jews here) and the temple is called The Temple. Because what would you confuse it with? Another temple? Nope.
- I just found out that Sheryl Crow bought a CHURCH on EBAY and had it shipped to her Nashville house. When I say house, I think it’s more like kingdom of barns and architectural digest mansion – but I haven’t been, so let’s just call it a house. Still, she bought a church on ebay. And paid for shipping. Even Kanye West hasn’t done that.
- Speaking of churches, I’ve discovered two types of Sunday traffic patterns: Utterly deserted and flying around town like you own the city, and DEAD STOPPED because church just let out. Avoid the latter.
- Pretty much everyone I have become friends with in Nashville is married to a Jeffrey or a Jermey. I have no idea who is who so as their name is coming out of my mouth its a 50% chance I’m getting it wrong.
- I went to brunch at Josephine, a restaurant in 12 South. I ordered the J’breakfast. The waitress was relatively mortified and told me it was the “J Breakfast” and not to be an uppity french asshole. My bad! Also, missed opportunity Josephine… J’breakfast is tres chic.
- I was told “you can’t swing a dead cat” is a southern expression… Well let me say for the record, it’s a GROSS one. But fine, I looked it up, because that’s what I do.. And the etymology is from the Mark Twain book Innocents Abroad. The book is about being abroad. Not in the South. But do we take credit for all things Mark Twain? Like how we take credit for all things Taylor Swift? What the hell, add it to the list.
- Taylor Swift, her holiness, came to town and IT WAS THE MOST FUN NIGHT EVER. Like, ever. I went on Friday and saw her perform with Steven Tyler and thought it was the best. Then John shot the second night and Mick Jagger came out. So number 1, a night of marital difficulty. Number 2, I want to kill myself just thinking about it. Here’s one of John’s show-offy-look-how-great-life-is pics.
- Don’t hate me but gas is $1.95… It just keeps on dropping!!! Like will it be free one day? I DON’T KNOW!!!!
- A couple of days ago it was really windy and there was some pollen fluttering around the house. Stella thought it was snow. This might not go well in the winter!
- You can ship lox and bagels from New York. I know this because I just organized someone’s house where he had a file of lox and bagel receipts. #goals
I took a couple of weeks off from my southern education to go hang out in LA and Hawaii. But I’m back at it, and the air is just as humid and the bugs are just as real. So here’s what’s new now that I have 3 months under my belt:
- Whiskey is from Tennessee, bourbon is from Kentucky. Period. Just like actual champagne can only be from the Champagne region of France, and anything else is just sparkling wine. This was all explained to me the other night by a horrified waiter with a vague look of disgust. Something about mash and rye and WHAT AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT.
- Hush puppies are fried pieces of bread. See above for what the waiter’s face looked like when I asked what this was.
- There is a CPK IN NASHVILLE! There are also many, many, many excellent restaurants nominated for James Beard awards – but let me tell you – seeing California Pizza Kitchen brought me to tears.
- We have about 13 deer that live somewhere in the woods behind our house. Also, we have woods.
- Darius Rucker – you know, Hootie, from Hootie and the Blowfish – is apparently a really legit country star now.
- My new friend (they are all “new” friends) Kristen, has a working theory that 1/3 of Nashville is left-handed. Way above the national average. We are in the process of getting to the bottom of it, so I’m sure you will remain on the edge of your seat until we have this mystery solved.
- I have more vegetarian friends in Nashville than I do in Los Angeles. I mean, can you even believe that? I can’t. I feel like I’m lying as I type this, but I know I’m not.
- In the Nashville Metro area… Red doesn’t necessarily mean stop, and green doesn’t necessarily mean go.. Those are just suggestions, really. If you want to live to see the next day, it’s advised to wait a beat when the light changes.
- The state bird is the Crane because NASHVILLE SKYLINE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION at all times. Get it? Tip your waitresses on the way out.
- I have one friend who thinks I live in Texas and one who thinks I live in Kentucky. Nashville is in Tennessee just in case I didn’t do a good job of explaining that in prior posts. I know it’s confusing, because Connie Britton is in Friday Night Lights which is in Texas, AND she’s in the show Nashville… which is in Nashville.. so I can see how it would be hard to keep straight. And I used to be one of those people on the right or left coast that thought everything in the middle was just a 6 hour plane ride of like, grass. But low and behold, there are real live cities ALL OVER! And even this dude from London was able to get the state of Tennessee right (sorry people in…North Middle?).