10 NEW THINGS: FEBRUARY

First of all, I know it’s been a whillllllllle since I posted, but I’ve been really busy being SICK AS F*CK since New Year’s Day. So happy 20 effing 16.

  1. I guess if you live outside of Los Angeles you get sick all the time. And stay sick. Because it’s an actual winter and when they came up with the term “cold” they were not being ironic.
  2. Remember when it would drop to like 48 degrees in LA in the DEAD of winter at 3am and we just could not believe how devastatingly cold it was? HAHAHAHAHA. It’s 19 degrees right now. IMG_8632
  3. 4 wheel drive is actually a real thing that you need. Who knew?
  4. I like country music. Didn’t see this coming. IMG_9444
  5. I used to hate award season because John would be gone ALL day on show days. Now he has to fly to LA and he’s gone for days at a time and I’m like remind me again why we moved across the county?
  6. We now have a proper bagel establishment, appropriately titled Proper Bagel. I love EVERYTHING about this place and the most die-hard New Yorker would too. The lox is flown in from Brooklyn and they filter the water the same way, and they force you to wait in line and order specifically according to the menu just like a true New York establishment. True love.
  7. Gwyneth Paltrow came to town and I – along with everyone in Nashville – rushed to the Antique and Garden show to see her speak. And all of a sudden I was like, CLEA GET A GRIP YOU ARE FROM LA. I need to shake it off. IMG_9539
  8. When we first thought about moving to Nashville, we thought we’d live in the suburb of Brentwood because the schools are best in the state, the taxes are low, and the houses are huge. After 8 months we’ve already sold our house, for a smaller house, right in town, where taxes are twice as much, the schools are 5 times as shitty, and the crime is twice as high. Ah… home sweet home. #privateschoolforever
  9. John eats shit tacos from every gross stand in town and he got food poisoning from the green juice at Whole Foods. Not sure this is a southern thing – but still so funny to me.
  10. When it snows, schools close. When they think it’s going to snow, schools close. When it snowed 3 effing days ago but it’s mildly cold and maybe some shaded over spots have remnants of snow, schools close.

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: NOVEMBER

  1. It’s impossible to get good Sushi here. Someone actually recommended I try Peter’s Sushi. UM there is no chance anyone named PETER is making good sushi.
  2. Chattanooga is not in Nashville. In fact, I hear it’s pretty far away.
  3. The CMA awards happen like 15 times a year, I’m positive. Anytime I ask John what he’s shooting, I’m pretty sure he says the CMA awards.
  4. All kids are supposed to address adults using Ms or Mr – so like Ms Clea and Mr John. Do my kids really have to do this? I think they have to say ma’am and sir as well. I cannot underscore how unlikely this is..
  5. There is such a thing as a “construction fire.” It’s when construction workers build a LARGE fire at 5am when they start working because it’s freezing out and inadvertantly terrify Californians who think the neighborhood is on fire and calls 911.  
  6. There is a place called London, Kentucky and some people will tell you they just got back from London AS THOUGH THERE IS NO OTHER SUPER FAMOUS CITY NAMED LONDON.
  7. November is apparently when ladybugs invade Nashville. I don’t mean that you might see a few – I mean they are everrrrrrywhere. Like two on your arm at any given time, in the car, on the walls. Oh and they are Japanese ladybugs which bite. The bug situation here is NOT okay. Even our ladybugs bite?! We can’t even catch a ladybug break?
  8. Restaurants are closed on the most random and irritating days. Who closes on a Tuesday? What is even the point of that? And why do they think I’ll be able to store that information in my head when I show up expecting to eat dinner?
  9. Related: My favorite restaurant – which is closed on Tuesdays – will not let you order food “to go” to take home to anyone. You have to order the meal, let it come to the table, and then request a box and slide the food into it……… Maybe get over yourself.
  10. Fall is so pretty. Just be careful not to accidentally tag an Instagram picture of pretty Tennessee hills with the incorrect area or face the wrath of the internet. I got about 1000 comments in shouty caps.  

5 THINGS I DISCOVERED: HOSPITAL EDITION

Since we spent last week in the hospital with Stella, I thought I’d devote a mini-post to some new things I discovered while staying at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital.

  1. There is no wine in the entire hospital which seems like a real missed opportunity.
  2. Hospital parking IS FREE. Do you know how much I used to pay at Cedars Sinai? Like $42 an hour.
  3. The guest bed situation in the hospital room is an absolute travesty. Like a legit prison cot from Orange is the New Black. I had to go buy all new linens and a mattress topper just to survive the second night. John opted for judgey martyrdom instead of soft blankets, but that’s cool, I had the last comfortable laugh. Sad prison cot pictured below. 
  4. Apparently glitter nail polish can’t be worn during an MRI because it’s metallic. Stella was pretty calm and collected the entire time we were there, but once we tried taking off her nail polish, SHIT HIT THE FAN.
  5. In our discharge papers, we had to promise not to let Stella drive tractors. Not exaggerating even a little.

Thank you all for your concern and good wishes the past couple of weeks. Stella is so brave… Her parents are not. On the way to the ER, she spent the ambulence ride discussing her rings with the paramedics. I spent the ride gripping my seat and trying to not throw up. 

Stella lasted three days hooked up to an EEG with a million wires on her head and body. She looked a little like a human iPhone being charged, but we decided her head wrap was very Grey Gardens. We’re headed back to Vanderbilt in a couple of months to do some further testing in the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit. Another (less funny) thing i’ve recently learned is that it’s very difficult to diagnose a seizure unless the event is captured under proper surveillance. So we will be checking in for a full week in hopes we get some answers. The good news is that she’s totally fine in the meantime, and received 32 Elsa dolls and a unicorn for her good behavior.

Thanks for the support. We love all y’all. That’s southern for “many people.”

xo, C

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 17-18

Look, I missed a week or two of posts.. But read my last entry and you’ll see why. I’ve just been busy! And don’t you want me to be busy? So I’m not just your loser friend who moved to Nashville and binge watches reality TV while drinking champagne? Okay fine, I do that too. Now without further adieu:

  1. I went to temple on Yom Kippur (there ARE jews here) and the temple is called The Temple. Because what would you confuse it with? Another temple? Nope.
  2. I just found out that Sheryl Crow bought a CHURCH on EBAY and had it shipped to her Nashville house. When I say house, I think it’s more like kingdom of barns and architectural digest mansion – but I haven’t been, so let’s just call it a house. Still, she bought a church on ebay. And paid for shipping. Even Kanye West hasn’t done that. 
  3. Speaking of churches, I’ve discovered two types of Sunday traffic patterns: Utterly deserted and flying around town like you own the city, and DEAD STOPPED because church just let out. Avoid the latter.
  4. Pretty much everyone I have become friends with in Nashville is married to a Jeffrey or a Jermey. I have no idea who is who so as their name is coming out of my mouth its a 50% chance I’m getting it wrong.
  5. I went to brunch at Josephine, a restaurant in 12 South. I ordered the J’breakfast. The waitress was relatively mortified and told me it was the “J Breakfast” and not to be an uppity french asshole. My bad! Also, missed opportunity Josephine… J’breakfast is tres chic.
  6. I was told “you can’t swing a dead cat” is a southern expression… Well let me say for the record, it’s a GROSS one. But fine, I looked it up, because that’s what I do.. And the etymology is from the Mark Twain book Innocents Abroad. The book is about being abroad. Not in the South. But do we take credit for all things Mark Twain? Like how we take credit for all things Taylor Swift? What the hell, add it to the list.
  7. Taylor Swift, her holiness, came to town and IT WAS THE MOST FUN NIGHT EVER. Like, ever. I went on Friday and saw her perform with Steven Tyler and thought it was the best. Then John shot the second night and Mick Jagger came out. So number 1, a night of marital difficulty. Number 2, I want to kill myself just thinking about it. Here’s one of John’s show-offy-look-how-great-life-is pics. 
  8. Don’t hate me but gas is $1.95… It just keeps on dropping!!! Like will it be free one day? I DON’T KNOW!!!!
  9. A couple of days ago it was really windy and there was some pollen fluttering around the house. Stella thought it was snow. This might not go well in the winter!
  10. You can ship lox and bagels from New York. I know this because I just organized someone’s house where he had a file of lox and bagel receipts. #goals 

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 15

  1. Apparently tea cozies are different than beer koozies. Why would someone give a slightly different name to something that’s so similar? One’s to keep it warm, and one’s to keep it cold? Did they intend on making me look stupid in front of my southern counterparts? Did they WANT me to look like a Californian tea drinker? Whatever. So rude.
  2. Y’all. There are snakes out here. I really can’t talk about it or I will be on the first plane to wherever there are no snakes.. But my neighbors have indeed informed me that they exist. And don’t tell me that they aren’t poisonous BECAUSE I DON’T CARE. They still make me want to light myself on fire. I also purchased $150 of various snake repellents on Amazon that may or may not do a single thing.
  3. There is a historical place here called The Hermitage. It was home to president Andrew Jackson and it’s pronounced like Hermitedge. In one quickly spoken word. So just a quick heads up if you come here from LA, do NOT pronounce it like L’Hermitage (L’Air-mi-taj) or you will sound like a real asshole. 
  4. My friend just got a gel manicure and gel pedicure for $110 WTF LOL.
  5. BUT gas is now $2.05.
  6. There is a state or county fair every week. I can’t even keep up. I feel like there are even state fairs for OTHER states.
  7. John finally gave in and had to register his car in TN – but the upside is they have the greatest license plate options EVER. You just flip through a book, pick which one you want, and they pull it out of a drawer. Kind of like getting an ice cream cake at Baskin Robins.
  8. I found an AMAAAAAZING store in Cool Springs, and Cool Springs is the least cool place of all time. It’s 15 minutes away from our house and as close to White’s Mercantile as you can get outside of Nashville proper. Separate post coming soon.
  9. My neighbors drive around with boxed wine and red cups in their car because YOU NEVER KNOW. 
  10. I’ve been told I’ll need Uggs. 

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 14

  1. There is a ONE lane underpass for TWO WAY TRAFFIC. With a blind curve and no mirrors to see oncoming cars. Which means you are driving down the street and all of a sudden approach an underpass tunnel with blinking lights, warning you that THERE IS TWO WAY TRAFFIC FOR ONE LANE. WTF. I was told the proper protocol is to honk while you’re driving through so the car on the other side can hear you….because they can’t see you…. and will know to wait their turn. HAHAH OKAY. Sure. Sounds like a really well thought out plan.
  2. Okra appears to be the food controversy of the south. In LA, people sometimes debate the merit of cilantro.. and whether it ruins food or makes it better. But Okra seems to put people in two camps: Your mom makes it just right, or the thought of it inspires nausea. 
  3. The Franklin Farmers Market has booth after booth of vegan, raw, organic, gluten-free errrrythang. Also a booth for tie-dye apparel. Who knew it would be like living in San Francisco?
  4. I have seen only 2 people in cowboy hats in 3 months and believe me, I’ve been looking. 
  5. I live in such fear of freak torrential storms that I bought a $29 rain jacket at COSTCO to keep in my car.
  6. Peaches are officially out of season, but humidity didn’t get the memo about summer being over.
  7. My daughter can watch Frozen 3 times in a row for days on end. This is not a southern discovery, I’m just impressed by her stamina.
  8. Dinner guests bring gifts. Really really nice gifts. I can usually be counted on to bring a bottle of wine, but it looks like I’m going to need to step up my game.  
  9. Gas is $2.20 – but my manicure and pedicure costs $75. What is happening.
  10. 311 DAYS UNTIL TRADER JOES CARRIES WINE!!!!!!!!!!!! 

10 THINGS I DISCOVERED: WEEK 13

I took a couple of weeks off from my southern education to go hang out in LA and Hawaii. But I’m back at it, and the air is just as humid and the bugs are just as real. So here’s what’s new now that I have 3 months under my belt:

  1. Whiskey is from Tennessee, bourbon is from Kentucky. Period. Just like actual champagne can only be from the Champagne region of France, and anything else is just sparkling wine. This was all explained to me the other night by a horrified waiter with a vague look of disgust. Something about mash and rye and WHAT AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT. 4c9f5e8603334cf1ce787919578d993c
  2. Hush puppies are fried pieces of bread. See above for what the waiter’s face looked like when I asked what this was.
  3. There is a CPK IN NASHVILLE! There are also many, many, many excellent restaurants nominated for James Beard awards – but let me tell you – seeing California Pizza Kitchen brought me to tears.
  4. We have about 13 deer that live somewhere in the woods behind our house. Also, we have woods.
  5. Darius Rucker – you know, Hootie, from Hootie and the Blowfish – is apparently a really legit country star now. 
  6. My new friend (they are all “new” friends) Kristen, has a working theory that 1/3 of Nashville is left-handed. Way above the national average. We are in the process of getting to the bottom of it, so I’m sure you will remain on the edge of your seat until we have this mystery solved.
  7. I have more vegetarian friends in Nashville than I do in Los Angeles. I mean, can you even believe that? I can’t. I feel like I’m lying as I type this, but I know I’m not.
  8. In the Nashville Metro area… Red doesn’t necessarily mean stop, and green doesn’t necessarily mean go.. Those are just suggestions, really. If you want to live to see the next day, it’s advised to wait a beat when the light changes.
  9. The state bird is the Crane because NASHVILLE SKYLINE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION at all times. Get it? Tip your waitresses on the way out. 
  10. I have one friend who thinks I live in Texas and one who thinks I live in Kentucky. Nashville is in Tennessee just in case I didn’t do a good job of explaining that in prior posts. I know it’s confusing, because Connie Britton is in Friday Night Lights which is in Texas, AND she’s in the show Nashville… which is in Nashville.. so I can see how it would be hard to keep straight. And I used to be one of those people on the right or left coast that thought everything in the middle was just a 6 hour plane ride of like, grass. But low and behold, there are real live cities ALL OVER! And even this dude from London was able to get the state of Tennessee right (sorry people in…North Middle?).